My Badness!

WHAT PART OF BE QUIET DONT YOU UNDERSTAND?

THATS SOME GREAT BEER!  LET'S SEE WHATS ON TV

EVERYONE NEEDS TO FEEL SECURE

SLEEPING IN AGAIN

I have a Labrador Retriever and I was buying a large
bag of Purina dog food. I was standing in the line at Walmart, and a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Dog Food Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned, and that was why I was in the hospital. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard

Advice from Madam Maxine

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine prin.  there ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella then mose likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we go greater than frequencey in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgbie- highly unlikely. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

My girl JJ sent me this, was too funny not to put up!

Are you tired of all those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end.

"Why?" you may ask? Because you are my friend.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Remember: A good friend will help you move, but a really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel....